It’s a great game. Your character is leveled up pretty well and you can take some serious damage as well as deal it out yourself. Everything is going great for you right now. So what is the worst task that can be given to you? You have to take care of someone who is weaker, dumber, and useless. Mother. Fucking. Escort. Mission. To this day, I have yet to play a game with a perfectly fine escort mission. They were all a pain in the ass, and all the NPCs you had to watch over were fucking stupid.

Resident Evil 4 was notorious for this. The main reason Leon, your character, is even on this mission was to rescue the president’s daughter. So of course, a good chunk of the game is to escorting this idiot through villages of Spanish-speaking, infected, cultist. She doesn’t even do anything useful, other than scream when someone grabs her.

“But John, it’s not a problem if you get Ashley the suit of armor.”

True. Because no one can lift her when she’s wearing it, so there is no longer any danger of her getting kidnapped. Congratulations; you’ve taken the mission out of the mission. It’s almost like you had wine stains in your carpet, so you blew up the house. Got rid of the stains, and mostly everything else. Allow me to explain.

Since most of the enemies are programmed to go after Ashley during these missions, they will leave you alone as long as you stay out of the way. But, since they can’t lift her, you can just stand off to the side and fuck everyone up with your knife. You break the game! You’re essentially playing a practice mode version of the RE4.

Saint Row: The Third has a few of these Escort Missions too. Mostly it’s you hanging off the side of a helicopter firing rockets at cars, boats, or people. What’s the problem with this? Splash damage. If the enemy you are shooting at is too close to the person your protecting, the explosion damages them! Bullshit! How am I supposed to direct a fucking explosion?

These were only a couple of examples though. I haven’t played every single video game in existence, so maybe, just maybe, there is a game or two out there that actually have some good escort missions. And if you’ve played one, let me know. But until then, I fucking hate them. 

  1. gaming-terms-and-shit posted this